Since we just celebrated Mom’s for Mother's Day, I wanted to continue to showcase the Mothering spirit in this email. 


“As the mother is, so is the family … since she is the key figure, family well-being depends very largely on the degree of her inner harmony & outward zest, her effectiveness & satisfaction in her role as a wife, as a mother & as a person in her own right. 
Katherine Whiteside Taylor


The mothering spirit is the compass that keeps a family going in the right direction. It is a spirit that is within every human being, male or female. It nurtures, gives, loves & keeps us feeling safe.

Whether your Mom filled your emotional & physical needs or not, there is one thing I know for sure, if she could have, she would have. 


It could be argued that none of us had the mother that we wanted, we had the one that we needed. If she couldn’t give you what you wanted, there’s a high probability it’s because she was unable to give herself what she needed.


While it would be nice for every child to experience a nurturing loving spirit from their mother as a child, no matter how great or absent your mom was, there is a part of us that remains a child. Our inner child tends to rear her head when we feel insecure, vulnerable or threatened.


In fact my own inner child starting kicking up trying to write this today! “I don’t have enough time, I don’t know what to write, I have too much to do, nobody will read this.” It also gets triggered in parenting!


Have you ever found yourself engaging in battles with your kids at the level of a child? “Because I said so, You NEVER listen, How many times do I have to tell you?” 


Chronologically we may look like we’re 40, but emotionally our inner child tantrums like we are still 4 years old! We may have grown up physically but most of us have never really grown up emotionally. After all, where would we have ever learned to do this?


Stunted from trauma, our own unresolved emotional business or just not knowing skills to communicate & interact with our child effectively, we will pass on unhealthy patterns if we don’t do the work to grow ourSELVES up!


If you have not experienced a mothering presence in your life, or if you did but still feel your inner child activating, here’s the good news!!! As an adult it is OUR JOB to mother ourselves, & there is no better chance to do this then when we become a Mom. You can learn to become the mother you always wanted, for yourself & your child.


How would it feel to be less reactive & more peaceful? You can learn to respond instead of react, nurture, recognize & fill your own needs & to feel empowered & in control of your life, as a wife, a mother & a person in your own right!


If you’re a mom of adult children I’d like to invite you to a workshop on How to be a Conscious Parent to an Adult Child. It’s never too late to become aware of how we interact with our children & find ways to strengthen our relationship.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 26TH AT 730 PM $50
~ 2 hour Live Intimate & Interactive Conversation on Zoom.
~ Conscious Parenting Adult Children PDF tool cheat sheet!
~ Small Mother’s Day Gift to pamper yourself for doing the work!
~ Limited spots Register now​ to avoid disappointment!
~ Perfect for Moms with kids 16 & older.
Ask a friend to join you, grab a beverage of your choice & enjoy some productive Grown UP time!
* Date & Time subject to change based on groups overall availability.

​Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching 

Do your kids think you’re embarrassing?! Join the club! LOL! I think it’s a prerequisite to becoming a Mom, at some point we will become embarrassing!! 😳


But how do these sweet children who never left our side & always giggled at all our jokes, all of a sudden find us embarrassing to be with? It doesn’t seem possible! I’m a “cool” Mom in lululemon, unlike my mom in her mom jeans! I mean, I can understand the mom jeans, but me? No I’M not embarrassing! Now my child on the other hand …


How dare they call me embarrassing, when they blow bubbles out their nose, pick body parts in public, talk back & don’t do their homework like all the other kids!


Does it make you feel slightly anxious at the thought of this happening one day or are you totally triggered because your child is so embarrassed of you, it feels like you haven’t spoken in days?


Remember how beautifully in synch you were with that little baby, in the womb? There was a natural rhythm, a flow & oneness between the two of you. We were the same & now we seem so different! They must have gotten those unfavourable quirks from the other side of the family! LOL!


So how did we go from blissful harmony to embarrassment, frustration & feelings of judgement, guilt, shame or blame towards our beautiful little humans?


Somewhere along the line, we’ve forgotten that we are playing on the same team, not against each other! This is a common misunderstanding, that it’s us parents against our children but that sets up a dynamic that makes it difficult to engage co-operation with our younger teammates.


Imagine working with a boss who doesn’t trust you to handle any of the work, so they micromanage your every move, makes demands & imposes an unreasonable agenda that sets you up for failure among your colleagues. Or maybe they blame & accuse you of things you didn’t do, or lecture you on all the things you’re not doing & could be doing so much better, humiliating you in front of everyone!


I imagine wanting to tell this boss two words, both short, that would probably get me fired!


Our children feel the same way when we interact with a top down mentality. Lets face it, like the boss, we’re a little scary & simply not that much fun to be around.


If you happen to have a fearless teen they may tell you exactly what they think! But most of us with our kids, like with our boss, will resort to the most primitive part of our brain to keep us safe & we will respond with a fight, flight or freeze reaction when we feel devalued or embarrassed! 


This coping mechanism shows itself as undesirable behaviour in our child, which then triggers us to react with the same primitive part of the brain, creating a reactionary loop that never completes! Crazy right?!  


So how can we be less embarrassing & stop the reactionary cycle? Here are a few tricks:
Instead of demanding things in front of their friends, try requesting what you’d like done, before they see their friend.
Instead of accusations in public, try giving information, describing what you see.
Instead of correcting them in front of their friends, try telling them how it makes you feel later.
Instead of shouting so the whole store can hear how “good” a mom you are, try a lower tone meant for only your child to hear.
Instead of long lectures, try using one powerful word.
And when all this fails, .... call me!


Working with a professional who has already made every mistake you could possibly think of will save you time, money & possible embarrassment with your child! 
Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching

Imagine how much extra time we’d have for the things we say we don’t have time for, if we weren’t so consumed by technology?


Would you think it weird, odd or outright scary if someone was following your every move? You turned right, they turned right, you went into a store, they were right behind you. I think it’s safe to say you’d start to feel a bit uneasy. What if your spouse followed your every move, checked your credit card statements, listened to your phone calls? You might be looking for a restraining order. 


Most of us would NOT consider this healthy or normal behaviour and yet we somehow justify our right to follow our child’s every move, not only because we can but because we’ve been told that this is what a “good” parent does.

Who doesn’t find themselves tracking ‘find my phone’ to make sure our kid is where they said they are, or checking their texts to monitor their conversations, timing their screen time & generally being in their business? It’s not terribly surprising that our kids find us annoying & frankly outright scary! 


But don’t kid yourself, our kids will always outsmart us in this department. They’re 10 steps ahead & have figured out ways around our little tracking devices so lets talk about ways to use technology to our advantage.


If we use it wisely, technology is an amazing advantage that we have in parenting, over our parents. It’s a great way to build connection with our child, particularly teens, when they’re shy for words! It gives us a general feeling of safety if we know we can reach them & it can give us the opportunity to be relevant in our child’s life, if we learn about the things they’re interested in.


It’s easy to complain about our kids technology but remember who’s name the contract is in. A child can’t go out and buy a working phone, they need a plan & it’s usually your name on it. We have to own our part in how WE use OUR technology. Just like setting the example of not drinking and driving, it’s our responsibility to set the example of how to use technology responsibly. They’re learning behaviours from us, even though we may be learning how to use the technology from them!


Hold off giving your child technology as long as you possibly can, but when they start talking about it, make sure they’re ready to use it without constant supervision. It’s never too early to start preparing them for how to stay connected & use technology responsibly. 


If we want our child to come to us & trust us, we have to start by trusting them. Kids will usually make good choices if we let them. Our kids are educated, savvy, & they will make mistakes, just like we did, but technology is a part of our lives & it’s not going anywhere, so we all need to learn how to use it to make all of our lives easier, not create battles over it.  


In the mean time, if you’re looking for a few extra hours in your day, turn off the WIFI, leave cyberspace & come back to the world in real time, all around you! You’re kids are watching.

​Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching 

Unlike a good bottle of wine, feelings are not meant to be bottled for years, they’re actually meant to be felt!


In my experience, there is a rarely spoken truth that Moms quite often take on the feelings of everyone else at the expense of their own. This can be overwhelming & scary.  


It’s not easy to watch anyone experience a hard time but for a mom, having to watch our child go through something difficult is a whole other kind of pain. We want to take it on ourselves or make it all go away. If we are unable to feel our own feelings, it will be even more difficult for us to be their effectively for our child.


We’re afraid to feel because we’ve been taught & even shown repeatedly that pain is “bad”. Any pain, physical or emotional, must be avoided at all cost. I don’t know about you but I ain’t no dummy, I’m going to try and avoid pain whenever possible. 


The problem with this is that if we avoid feeling pain long enough, we come to believe that we can’t handle our pain & that’s simply not true. If feeling pain killed us, there wouldn’t be many humans left in this world.


In fact the opposite is true, feeling pain is usually what births life in us, gives us the will to do better, pushes us to places we may not have gone on our own & is where we learn & grow the most. 


Our children are super aware of what they are feeling in their bodies as a survival mechanism. When kids feel something, they feel it with every one of their senses, so their reactions will often be “big”.


They will typically act out in ways that make us uncomfortable but don’t let their reactions scare you, they are literally just communicating “something doesn’t feel right inside me & I don’t have the words, skill, ability or courage to articulate it.” 


They are acting out what they are feeling inside. Like a game of charades, we need to play the game to figure out what they are trying to tell us. Sometimes we get it right & other times we miss but here are some ways to support your child in feeling their feelings: 

LISTEN WITH YOUR FULL ATTENTION ~ Use body language to show that you are present with them & have no where else to be.
USE FEW WORDS ~ Don’t be wordy, “um” or “oh”, is enough, you don’t have to have answers. Questions & advice can make anyone shut down or feel attacked. 
NAME THE FEELING ~ Help them understand what they’re feeling by giving it a name. “It sounds like you’re disappointed”, or frustrated, jealous, bored, tired, discouraged, embarrassed, overwhelmed, etc.
GRANT THEIR WISH ~ Give them what they want in fantasy. We don’t have to always teach a lesson or be “right” Sometimes all we have to do to diffuse big emotions is to agree. “Wouldn’t it be cool if we could eat ice cream for every meal!”


Remember feelings don’t last when you feel them. Your child won’t stay sad, scared, confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry forever. It seems counter intuitive to “do” nothing but if you remove your own fear, you really don’t need to say or do anything. You just need to be able to hold a safe space for your child’s feelings & trust you both can handle them.


So pour yourself a glass of wine & have a toast to feeling your feelings!

​Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching

Hold on to your hats ladies, I’m about to talk dirty to you ….. When was the last time you pleased yourself? 


Did you once identify as the “life of the party” or a “free spirit” or someone who “stopped to smell the roses?” 


Do you now identify as “crabby”,  “nagging” and “exhausted”?!  …. What changed? 


Sadly, it seems that many women give up our identity when we become a mother, get married or take on a new title, like C.E.O. There seems to be an unspoken rule that in order to get what you want, you must sacrifice parts of yourself.


Does this sound familiar? But what do you want? Did you abandon yourself so long ago that it seems hard to even know what it is you truly want anymore?


We’ve somehow learned that, as women, our pleasure should come at the expense of everything else in our lives. We need to give & give up our needs until we are utterly exhausted, cranky & totally unfulfilled!


Here’s the thing, once you start denying your wants, needs & emotions to carry those of your kids, spouse, co-workers or family members, it’s very easy to become a pleaser, a martyr, a victim, or an over-doing, controlling puppet who no longer recognizes yourself. How can you articulate your wants or needs when you're trying to manage everyone else's?


Learning how to regulate your emotions & identify your wants & needs, a skill that can be taught. It will also have the added benefit of regulating your child’s BIG feelings & emotions, as they struggle to make sense of the world. 


I believe there is an emotional umbilical cord between a mother and child that never gets severed. If you do not do your work, you cannot expect your child to be free from the identities you have taken on as pleaser, giver or controller. You will inevitably teach them to sacrifice parts of themselves, at the expense of their authenticity, to make others “happy”.


So start to identify as a mother who enjoys pleasure, of all kinds ;) ! Once you are aligned with your true loving nature your triggers will be fewer, feeling like a victim will become a distant memory & overreacting will transform into inner peace.


How would it feel to respond to life instead of react to life? It can be done. Doing your work will help you experience more pleasure in all areas of your life. 


Personal fulfillment is not a luxury ladies, it is essential! It is the key to showing up as the mother, spouse, daughter, co-worker or friend that you always wanted to be.


Pleasing yourself is a gift that you give others, & the greatest gift you will ever give your child is a fulfilled Momma!  
Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching

A wise person once observed that it takes a village to raise children but where has this village gone?


Collaboration & cooperation seem to have been replaced with competition & consumption. Moms, anxiety ridden, impatient & exhausted, have bought into the idea that we have to have all the answers & do it all on our own! 


Our partners can’t do it ‘right’, our parents don’t ‘get it’, friends couldn’t possibly help & god forbid our children assume any responsibility that could lighten our load. Is it any wonder our village has disappeared? We’ve scared them all off!


Moms used to be linked like a circle, arm in arm, giving where they could & receiving when required. There were always other kids around for entertainment, elders to learn from & a pack to share the load. 


Somewhere along the line women became ranked, valuing singular achievement over working together. We climbed to the top of a triangle, to prove our worth, leaving the others behind & below us, only to find ourself all alone, teetering at the top, with no one & no where to go. 


It became easier to do everything yourself then to ask for help, you convinced yourself. Judgement, criticism & a false sense of superiority, slowly took over, now you feel overwhelmed & disconnected from your children & community trying to maintain your career & marriage while making healthy meals, keeping the house together, squeezing in bath time, homework & all the little kindergarten books to prove that your child is a reading genius at 5!


And you wonder why you feel anxious, not good enough, or like you’re failing? This way of being is not natural. It feels unsafe to us & consequently we are reacting from a place of fear instead of responding from a place of safety, trust & love.


We’ve pushed away family & friends who would otherwise gladly have stepped up to help, we’ve isolated ourselves from neighbours, required too much of our teachers & put our kids in lessons as babysitters. It’s ok, we’ve all done it, you’re not alone! We’ve all gone off course, tangled up in the cultural demands that have been placed on us as momma’s & now we all need to turn this ship around!


So, how do we rebuild a village around us to share the load? We first need to be willing to see things differently. Acknowledge that perhaps we got caught up in a lie, that other people are indeed capable, trustworthy & able to offer something that we alone may not be able to.


We need to slow down, start to express our needs & be willing to both give & receive. We need to observe instead of judge, get curious instead of having to have all the answers & we need to open ourselves up to a larger circle of influence that will enrich our world & our child’s.


We were made to cooperate & collaborate, we were meant to be linked, not ranked, & we have gotten further away from our natural way of being, but we can make a conscious choice to change the trajectory of our child’s life, through conscious parenting.

Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching 

After the family day long weekend do you need a break from family?! LOL!


I’ve wanted to run away, or at least hide, on many occasions over the past 20 years! Wanting a break is totally normal & actually healthy!


As much as we are aware that we need some space as adults, it’s easy to feel threatened when our kids pull away from us, wanting to be by themselves, or not sharing what they once did with us. This is not personal, it is a necessary developmental dance.


Contrary to popular belief, we do not need to be with our kids all the time to have a “close” relationship with them. There is an illusion that our kids are somehow “safe” when we know where they are & what they’re doing at all time, but kids, like us, need to have some things that are just for them. They need time to process things or sometimes just want their own space, which makes us nervous & can cause many moms a lot of anxiety!


Worry not my friends! It is essential that every human being experiences both attachment & autonomy, closeness & separation, for healthy brain development, self-regulation & resilience as we grow into functioning adults.


We know that a child needs to be attached to a loving caregiver to feel safe & survive in the world, but for some reason autonomy is not as easy for us to willingly offer our kids.


Being “connected" to our children through technology, is no replacement for the feeling of authentic connection. Authenticity doesn’t come from knowing their whereabouts, monitoring their conversations, online behaviour or imposing curfews. 


This form of “connection" can feel intrusive, overbearing, anxiety producing, & can make a child outright angry! It doesn’t allow anyone to feel trusted or capable, imagine if your spouse tried these tactics on you?! … And I won’t buy the “But I’m an adult” argument.


As well-intended as we may be, we are robbing our kids of the good feelings that come from proving they are capable, trustworthy, competent & self confident.


Feeling connected comes from being attuned. Attunement is a skill that we can develop over time. The majority of it is nonverbal. It consists of meeting a child’s physical & emotional needs, of course, but mostly it is a feeling, it’s body language & the conveyance that “I see who you really are”.


I’m sure you’ve experienced this kind of attunement in your life, so it won’t be a surprise to learn that our children FEEL connection, they don’t actually need to BE connected physically to us.


It is said that “Parents give their kids two things; one is roots, the other is wings.”                            Being attuned is the roots & autonomy is their wings. 


As hard as it can be on moms, to not feel needed, it is essential for our child’s development. Wen to be close & when to separate is a dance that we must learn & it us who needs to move to the rhythm of our child’s emotions.


So, how do we help our children become more autonomous, while being an attuned Mom?

Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching 

Let’s just admit to each other here, most of us, at some point in our life, swore up & down we would NEVER be our mother?

I was going to do everything differently, … perfectly, unlike her. Sound familiar?

Who now catches themselves often resembling that same mother you were never going to be?


“Mommy issues" are often a huge barrier between mothers & daughters, but when daughters become mothers ourselves it’s important that we have a deeper understanding of our own mother, in order to have some insight into how we mother our children.


Our perception of what a “mother” is supposed to look like can cause us to judge each other. This judgement can put a wedge between us or find us having feelings of guilt or shame for our behaviour in the past, when we recognize how hard it is to be a mom.


There is an emotional umbilical cord between a mother & child that never severs. A mother is a child’s compass, at any age, & when we have unresolved emotional business with our moms we will suffer & unwittingly transfer those issues onto our children, if we haven’t made peace with her.


Rarely do any of us get the mother we wanted, we got the mother we needed & we must honour that woman inside of us. Making peace with our mom is an integral part of becoming the mother we always wanted to be. 


It is very difficult to fully love & accept ourself if we hold any resentment toward our own mom because she is a part of us, so that sword we point will ultimately come right back at us. 


Some mother daughter relationships have had experiences that are incredibly difficult to reckon with, but we must be able to release our mom from the expectation of what we wanted her to be & accept her for what she was, in order to be able to love to our fullest.


            “Releasing our Mother is not about forgiving her, it is about understanding her.”


It’s about seeing her as a human being, not as a mother, or any other title or label we have placed on her. She is a woman, trying to do her best, fallible, imperfect, with needs, just like you, as hard as that may be to believe!


We tend to put moms on a pedestal & believe they are supposed to be a model of perfection, as loving as Mother Theresa, or a superhero in some way. We must be able to see ourselves in every other woman but especially in our own mom. 


It’s difficult to investigate & understand our mother's pain, her desire to love us, the only way she knew how, & get to know her as a person in her own right, but in doing so it makes it easier to release her from the expectation that she “should” have been any different than the way she was & it free’s us to become the mother we always thought we would be.


When we’re able to see ourself in another, it becomes harder to judge "them" for things that we too are “guilty”, or at least capable, of. Only then will it be possible to show compassion & empathy, & when we are able to show that to another, we will transform every relationship in our life.

Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching

I’m proud to admit that I’m mediocre at many things! Cue the “Gasp!” Shocking! I know, what a change from the perfectionism I struggled with for so many years. 


From the outside many could look at me & conclude that I’ve got my “sh!t” together, maybe even feel badly about themselves for not being able to “look” perfect themselves or for procrastinating about jobs hovering over them.


Looks can be extremely deceiving & old habits die hard. I may be able to make things appear in place, but don’t look too close or you’ll see I’m exactly like YOU!


Anxiety shows itself in many ways. Maybe your anxiety looks like procrastination. Did you know that procrastination is the opposite end of the same anxiety spectrum as perfectionism?


Being mediocre goes against the cultural grain to compete, excel & be the best at all costs, especially when it comes to our child’s accomplishments, after all, who brags about their kids ‘C’ grade or their losing tournament? So lets take a closer look at the benefits of being mediocre!


Accepting mediocracy calms our need to be the best & gets the job done. It sets the example for our kids that we don’t have to get worked up about the “small stuff” or the overwhelmed by larger things. We can focus on what really matters & affirm that our wroth is not tied to our performance but most importantly, we can actually enjoy the process when we’re not attached to the outcome having to look a certain way.


It can be terrifying to admit that we are not keeping up with societal standards or incredibly lonely feeling shameful about being an imposter or failing in some way. It’s all too easy to become overwhelmed by perfectionism & procrastination, especially in a pandemic where most of us have our imperfections staring us straight in the eye 24/7, or worse yet, someone else there pointing them out to us! We are all doing our best to survive in this unfamiliar environment.


When we prioritize house work, emails & the many other things on our never ending “to do” list. Our kids learn that these things are more important than the present moment, that failing is not an option & that what other people think is important.


There are so many valuable teaching opportunities right now, but we're all taking life a bit too seriously to see them. The most important lessons are ones that our children come to teach us, like how to be playful & present! In return, we can show them how to be compassionate &empathetic, & how to extend both of these things to others but we must first learn how to extend them to ourself.


Our kids won’t remember if the house was sparkling or if everything was in its place, they’ll remember that mom was always crabby or angry.


Things may not be done “right”, or even very well, but instead of getting frustrated take the time to show them how something needs to be done. Explain that there are many other ways to do them & ask them to share how they think it could be done.


Our children will learn from us when we learn how to communicate effectively instead of reactively. 


Letting go of the desire to have a “perfect” house was a major step toward my own personal freedom & inner peace. I’ve worked hard at turning a critical internal monologue into a dialogue between my harshest judge & a much wiser mother figure who, after much practice, now prevails more often than the judge.


If you find yourself constantly nagging about the mess or the house needing to be tidy, try something new.

​While instagram features momentary glimpses into what looks like a “perfect” family, at the time of the photo, I’m here to affirm most of our realities!

No matter how old your kids are, the holidays can leave us all feeling like we’ve been tossed about in the eye of a hurricane!

The food, the gifts, the garbage, the noise, the door visits & the Zoom calls!!! It can all feel like too much on a “normal” year but this year has been exceptional!

So here are some reminders that I hope will fill you up so that you show up as the mom you want to be for your kiddo’s!
​

Whatever you are experiencing right now is just a season. 

While it feels like your child is ALWAYS going to say Mommy 200 times a day, follow or climb all over you, watch Peppa Pig, sing Baby Shark, tell you they’re bored, play video games or want nothing to do with you! All of these things are simply moments in time that, like seasons in nature, will eventually change or transform.

Just as there is no stopping the buds from signalling the start of spring, I assure you that your 12 year old will want nothing to do with Peppa or Baby Shark, your 30 year old will be able to hold a conversation without a gaming device in there hand & Covid restrictions will pass.

We struggle & panic, when we believe something is ALWAYS going to be this way, or that it will never change, so lets put this theory to rest. Everything is impermanent & interdependent, so as harsh as the conditions may appear, the season is in perfect harmony just as it is.
​

If you never do or say another thing, your child will continue to grow into a functioning adult.

Hard to believe I know, however it’s true! As much as it makes us feel good when our child “needs" us, on the flip side, we complain when they need us too much! We can calm down when we recognize that our child is fine & does not need anything from us! 

Whether you interfere or not, your child will grow into a 5, 8, 10, 14, 23 , 30 year old & so on. There is no stopping this process, so be kind to yourself, just “being” their mom is enough, you don't have to do anything!


You are not failing if you can’t keep up with the “stuff”. 

We’ve all “bought” into the world of “stuff”, arguing with reality will not change it & frankly, I like a lot of my stuff, it makes life easier in a lot of ways. But when you feel like your stuff is making life harder, here is your permission slip to get rid of it! 

Your child needs YOU not the STUFF. There cannot be guilt in taking away things that are not needed. Take your cue from nature, it takes what it needs & gets rid of out the rest!


You don’t need a reason to love your family, 

Right now, it may be difficult to find reasons to love. We’ve all been cooped up for so long that another’s breathing can be an annoyance! 

Contrary to public believe, it is possible to love your child or spouse for absolutely no reason at all. In fact, needing reasons to love places conditions on our love. It’s easier to find peace when we remove the reasons & love them just because.

This takes the pressure off anyone having “to do” something to “be" loved. Now we can just love without judgement, condemnation or fear of not being loved in return. 


The world can use a little more love right now, lets start by calming our own anxiety so we are able to be more loving toward each other.


Lindsay Lal Professional Coaching