There is a difference between feeling judged & feeling understood & our children are incredibly sensitive to the two.
Let’s face it, when we are in conflict with our child, we are 100% in judgement of what they are saying or doing. Our condemnation of their behaviour triggers a negative reaction & soon we’re fully engaged in an outright battle!
Conversely, when our child’s behaviour is pleasing it arises great pride in us & we feel connected, but did you ever consider that praise is just sugar coated judgement?
Yup! Praise is every bit as much a judgement as condemnation is & they both come from a false sense of superiority.…. Ouch! … I know, that one just hit a nerve didn’t it?
Let me add a little more salt to that wound … that superiority is called our Ego! And, though we’d like to defend our humility as a parent, the Ego enters into most of our interactions with our children, sadly creating much disconnection & conflict.
You may recall from my last newsletter, there is no “good” or “bad”, “right” or “wrong” therefore, our judgement is irrelevant.
Judgement is simply a belief projected onto another to defend our point of view. It’s a rabbit hole that lures us. It’s so seductive, we all get sucked in, but it’s so dangerous because the same part of us that judges another also judges ourselves.
This harsh critic, judge or prosecutor, locks us up & throws away the key. The cell we are confined to leaves no room for mistakes, difference of opinions, or the possibility of having an experience far greater than anything we could have imagined based on our limited history.
It’s counterintuitive I know but, if we shift our outlook to that of a curious detective or reporter, staying neutral, with no judgement of praise or condemnation, we free ourselves.
As we open our hearts to the possibility that our child can be different than our narrow judgement of them, a deep bond will form naturally. We will uncover their true self, seeing them fairly without our own biases interfering.
In short, when you are in judgement of your child (or anyone) you will never be able to see them, hear them & truly understand them for who it is they are & they will feel the difference.
How would it feel if there were no barrier of belief between you & your child?
Who would you discover your child is?
What kind of a judge are you, a kind & loving one, or a cruel & unforgiving tyrant?